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kid(s) from another relationship

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bubbles View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote bubbles Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/31/2005 at 12:10pm

cristinarosetti---I can relate to your situation in terms of the Filipino culture...my FI is Filipino, and although he was born and raised here and not PI, he has some values that I was not raised with.  You definetely have the right mind set! We have made a conscious effort to really look at many of the cultural issues and come to even ground on many areas...some not yet!  FI and I have had many talks about the difficulties that Filipinos who where raised here have in terms of intergrating the Filipino culture as well as the American culture and i think that is what you are trying to do.  It will take a lot of work for you both, but make sure that all of the issues are brought out into the open and discussed!  In terms of being "looked down" upon because your an unwed mom.....I would discuss that with FI too and make sure that you are grounded in how you feel about it.  I give you a lot of credit!  Congratulations for raising your son!    There are a couple of unwed moms (divorced) in FIs family and the whole family is supportive and we take a "it takes a village to raise a child approach" to the kids, no one looks down on the moms.....

 Even after six years, I am still learning about the culture!   Our priest was amazed that I call his parents by their names instead of Mom and Dad!  (He is FIlipino too) 

 

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cristinarosetti View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote cristinarosetti Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 1/05/2006 at 8:58am

summerbride thank you for your words of advice.  it is an eye opening experience to read about someone who was in "mark's shoes."  your perspective helped to further solidify my idea of keeping mark the number one priority in my life and in the choices i make. im sorry to hear you are still feeling the affects after all these years.  at least you have learned from it all and are a stronger person, right?  thanks again.

bubbles it helps me to know that there are other couples in a similar situation.  sometimes i feel like im the only person battling these hardships and im glad to know there are others out there going throught the same thing and that i can learn from them.  its wonderful to hear how you, fi and your family are embracing both the filipino and american culture.  that's something that rene and i both have to work on.  thanks for stopping by and your advice!



Edited by cristinarosetti
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elcynic View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote elcynic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 1/05/2006 at 4:59pm

I just stumbled upon this post and I had to comment because my sister and I were haivng this same conversation today! She and her husband have adopted 2 children and have one biological child. Men who know my brother in law have actully asked him if it bothers him that his adopted children aren't "blood." I don't know if it was cultural thing because I didn;t ask WHO asked my borhter in law this. But apparently he gets it often, and ONLY from other men. He, of course, sees his children as HIS CHILDREN, no more no less. Which is, of course, as it should be. They, both my sister and her husband have also heard from both men and women that they could NEVER adopt because there would be no "blood ties." I for one can fathom having feelings like that, but, well, I guess it's good to know they are out there.

That doesn't however, mean your FI gets a pass on this one. *L* I think the two of you need to find a way to blend your family togeahter. Because that's how you are entering into this partnership, as a family. And that's how he needs to accept you and your son, as his family.

So, what I would suggest? Do what my sister did and see if there are any on line communites specially for blended families. I bet it would help you SO much to know there are others out there  going through what you are going through.



Edited by elcynic
Marina Village March 13th, 2004

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summerbride2005 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote summerbride2005 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 1/06/2006 at 11:37am
I'm very glad that Mark is your number one priority. I also wanted to let
you know that yes, my situation has made me a much stronger person.
Good luck with everything.
Finally married after almost 10 years together!!!! We are so happy!!!!!!!!

August 7, 2005
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Jenbrian View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jenbrian Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 1/11/2006 at 3:24pm

Originally posted by cristinarosetti cristinarosetti wrote:

thanks ali.  you always give really good advice.  im glad you are giving me another point of view.  i guess i always took it personally he never really treated my son as his own.  my son's dad is not really in the picture, he sees his dad once every few months.  so really, rene is the father figure in mark's life. rene is 32, so at this age, hopefully rene knows what is to be a father.. but maybe im expecting too much again?  rene and i have spoken about my concerns in the past, and he wants to have kids.  when i asked him if he would treat my son and our child the same, he said he wasn't sure.. which was a complete shock to me. all i could think of was poor mark and how unfair. slowly though, he said he would try to change his outlook because he was able to see my perspective.  it was good for a while, but now we're back at square one.   i guess i could bring it up again, but how many times must i keep bringing this up?  i dunno. 

I'm in complete agreement with shlady. I'm also a single divorced mom of a five year old son. Brian has been in my life since 2002. In 2003 I introducted Brian to Steven (my son). Steven doesn't remember life without Brian.

I asked Brian about a year ago how he felt about Steven. He said that he loved him very much and that he would never treat Steven any differently than his own biological children. Brian doesn't have any kids he's talking about after we get married and have another child.

Being completely blunt, I would really think about what your fiance said to you. The part where he talks about trying to change his outlook would trouble me as a parent. After seven years he should have somewhat of a parental perspective. Especially since the two of you have been together since your child was a baby and your fi lives with you. I don't think an outlook can be changed in relation to a child. That is an emotion and it's about love. He hasn't connected with your child on some level.

I hope that I can ask this question. I appologize for it being so personal.

Why did you guys wait seven years? Was he at all aprehensive about getting married or being a step father?

 

 

 

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Jenbrian View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jenbrian Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 1/11/2006 at 3:33pm

oh I wanted to add one more thing. It's not easy for a man or a women to accept a child from a previous relationship. At first Brian just didn't get it. If Steven was home I was home and I wasn't going to get a babysitter. He now gets it but there are still times that he doesn't understand things.

I'm going to pm you a bit later. We do have a lot in common!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ksassy71 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 2/07/2006 at 12:40pm

I can maybe help you out from your FI's perspective. My FI has a 4yo daughter from a previous marriage. Technically, he has 50/50 custody, but it works out to more like 60/40, since her mom's always asking us to take her.

I've been in her life since she was two, and we've all been living together since she was three. I think I treat her as I would my own, but since I don't have any of my own, it's hard to say.

I understand that we need to put her needs first, and that FI will always do that.

Sometimes it's hard because he expects/wants me to treat her as my own, but then will make decisions without even consulting me. Of course, I know it is his decision in the end, but I'd like to have some input, since it will probably affect me too.

For example, she'll be entering kindergarten in the fall. Her mom wants her to go to a private school near her house, FI wants her to go to a public school near us, but is willing to compromise on a school near both of their work.  FI's in law school, so I pick her up 3-4 nights a week. It's impossible for me to get her if they'd go with the private school, the extended care isn't open late enough. Yet FI's still considering it.

He only has one more year of law school left, so I don't see anything wrong with her going to public school for K and then maybe going to a private school after that if he'll be able to work that out. I think in the long run, it's most beneficial for the whole family, his daughter included, that he gets his law degree.

Anyway, my point is, if you want FI to feel like his own child, then you have to treat him like he's the father. Not that you're not, (from what I read), just my input from the other side of the coin!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ness Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 2/11/2006 at 5:41pm

From reading your post I feel that deep down you know the answer to this. If you didn't have a concern it wouldn't be on your mind. Speaking as a divorcée child I know what it is to feel unwanted. My step mom is nice to us but only cause she "has to" or if she's drinking. I wanted her to be a part of his wedding planning but she made excuses why she didn't have time. She knew how many kids my dad had before they got married (17 yrs ago), so she shouldn't act the way she does towards us. The ironic thing is she has 2 sons and the same rules don't apply for her kids as they do for us. They get it all. I do have my mom and I don't need another one. As a kid growing up you feel the difference and I wouldn't wish that upon any other child. Resentments could start toward the parent also.  Go with your gut even though it might hurt, think of the later good that will come out of it.  

     November 11, 2006
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